Giving myself hope

My mind jumps, leaps, falls and goes down hills into semi filled ditches and I lay there in the water and wonder if this it and then I am off again. Its a ragged rugged mental race. My brain my mind, the only thing that matters - to my own self.

Everyone matters. However to myself, me as Rose, my brain matters. My body has failed me countless times and I am covered with scars and diving back into a big operation sometime in Jan but thats old news.

I am working on a will and I don't know what to leave and to who and why. Can't I just say, whatever money I have, put it in savings for those rainy days (that I love, rain that is) if someone wants to edit my writing and publish it, that would be a good legacy. Its not pretty though, alot of the writing is gritty and ugly. So much of my life has been spent as an observer of the ugliness of humanity.

Though I look for the best, my brain, my mind.

I dreamt that a dream came true. I was putting peanut butter on peanut butter cookies while sitting in a meadow, I looked over and there was the fellow for me. He had two girls. His name I think was Trissa. Ofcourse there was some magical thing involving mythological happenings. He was not much taller then me. He fit. He was by a tree.

I was shocked that something so good and fine had happened. I was minding my own business and there he was.

Thanksgiving is alot of stress, getting a huge meal prepared for a bunch of vegetarians. I had my roast turkey breast, a bit dry but still, TURKEY. I love turkey. It was humanely raised, slaughtered and fed gold or whatever it is they feed fancy well cared for pricey turkeys these days.

My Lu and I colored some Thanksgiving themed printouts and decorated the wall above the table. She set the table. She peeled potatoes, slowly but she did it. We ate and ate after listening to Alice's Restaurant and then saying what we were thankful for. Miles said he was thankful for women.

I forgot to take my b.c. pills for a week so I am pmsing, I recognize this, I don't know how I blew it this time around but its okay.

We need to think good things about ourselves, no slagging, we need to think good things about others. Which is hard because I find myself ridiculous and when I see other people treat each other without kindness, it makes me ridicule them. I am sarcastic without thinking about it. Thats my main language with Brian.

Grateful:

1) My bed is waiting, with a good book to be read
2) Tomorrow my girl goes to spend the night at her grandmas leaving me to feel unhinged in peace.
3) I see my therapist who has been fighting cancer for 2 almost 3 months now, first time I've seen her since she was diagnosed. And she says she misses ME. I miss her. She is one of the best people I know and not just because she knows all my secrets and still thinks I am a wonderful person. She once wrote to me that I am a mystic.
4) I get to sleep soon and the dreams will show me what I need to do or atleast be entertaining or horrifying.
5) I will wake up in the morning.
6) I can almost turn my head without squeaking in pain.
7) My best friend sent me an email about what we will get up to when we are old.
8) I got to talk to my Mom today. She told me she loved me. Till I was about 30, I had only heard her tell me she loved me maybe 3 times.
9) I am going to scrub my bathroom tomorrow and feel good when its clean!
10) Lush.com products will be arriving any day, so taking a bath will involve the most amazing smells and glitter.
11) I am constantly being showered with good things, the Universe blesses me. Love walks near.
12) I have a purpose, I have many purposes, they show themselves from time to time.
13) My right leg, right arm, face, left foot, both butt cheeks are healthy!

Rock on. Rose