Im glad you are so positive about the future

Dear child, girl of mine. Whose cold body has pressed against mine so many mornings and nights and otherwise cold times I have forgotten.

I love it when you make plans, Friday glitter polish on the nails, Saturday we play a game on the computer. Sunday, we go to mini Thanksgiving.

And I, and I, can't see past this next silent scream. I hide it in sleeping, I hide it in hiding in my bedroom.

Last night though, I drug the quilt the one that my Mom made me the one that in some way proves without a doubt that my Mom loves, loved me at some point. That quilt, to the livingroom and we watched a movie while your Dad was away. Your body is longer and leaner and I get to see you grow.

Your skin is already alligatory, there is a technical term for it. We spend all dry months fighting this. I have to stay on top of it and cover you head to toe in Dream Cream or Olive Oil. Your Dad doesn't understand what its like when the bodies biggest organ hurts.

So chapped, when its at its worse I dab the oil on, like painting eggs, it hurts you so much, it hurts me.

I love how positive you are, that you know without a doubt that there will be a tomorrow, 3 hours from now. That your Mom will make it through another winter when the days and nights are so dark..

Thank you my girl child, my curly haired wild thing. Thank You.

Odyssey

Ahoy fellow travelers. I am listening to my child read Junie B. and suffering. The suffering isn't from the book reading, mind you. I think I am having a cortisone flair in one foot, because the pain is somehow worse then before the injections.

Thursday all will be well. I will be dancing about my house and words will flow and hell I wont get to 50k unless I take up meth but I will get to 20k and thats a damn good start on a book.

Besides my own first world problems. I dreamt that Leonard Cohen died and I was in such pain. I don't know him, through his songs. Anyways in this dream, someone gave me his left over lip stuff. It was very sentimental.

Sometimes and only sometimes its good to wake up.

Rifling

Today while playing Scrabble I got a Bingo on the first round of play. It came to me immediately, Finagle.

Brian was gone to Chicago as he is bi weekly, which left me to care for the children solo. I picked up Lydia early from school and we went to the movies. Bad choice. Dickens, even Disneyfied is no go for little ones.

I remember when I would ask the kids, when they came home from school if they wanted to go back. Ever. School is it for learning or is it for social experience. To know you are different and lookee different is weird. I was the girl eating dandelions. Now I prefer pomegrantes.

There was a Curious George book where he flooded the entire house, it involved soap. When I was little I thought that was the coolest thing in the world. Now, when I think about giving up and walking into the water to sleep, I wonder if Curious George had anything to do with it.

Tonight when I was looking through photos people had uploaded (a application grabs all the uploaded photos and displays them, you scroll down to look, inspire, horrify, ponder and then hit reload - its called skimming) I found a beautiful beautiful image.

A day of leaves and rememberance

I was watching a video of a young man, brought home. 24 years old and thats his life. Below is the video, I took my bat outside and bashed some pumpkins, for the squirrels and birds and also to get some of the unfocused anger at the god damn war and the children that fight it. I know they signed up, I know thats their job, I am proud of my military brothers and sisters, no doubt. I simply want them all to live a long full life.

Sitting outside, in the mid 50's. The dogs went inside to sleep or wreak havoc or whatever it is they do when they are not underneath. A bee wanted a piece of me. I am not sweet bee!

The trampoline needs a good sweep.

Going to workout, sand down a bookcase and walk through the park I am a caretaker for. Bring garbage bag and gloves. Enjoy the strip of almost silence in the middle of the city.

I dreamt that I was in my birth city and looking for a place to stay. Brian was running alongside the train getting donations for some girls dream. I didn't want to stay with any relatives. Before that I was at Eminems birhday party. He took over a bar/restaurant and so I can safely say that I did not on purpose attend his birthday party. I remember reminding him of the talented Michiganders. Like Aretha Franklin and Iggy Pop.

Itunes on shuffle. Air Supply and then Everclear - Santa Monica.

Plantar fascitis means no more barefooting for me. I am rarely in shoes. Mid winter you might find me standing in the snow. I gotta get as close to the earth as possible. I am not Persephone.

Halloween and the night is alive

The night is alive and the trees swing deliriously back and forth to their own crazy melody.
Cats and dogs hide in my bed, while the tap tap tapping of my computer keeps time with the fan in the window. Pushing cooling crazy weather into my room.

I am open to being a professional writer. I will start wherever. I have faith in the words I write and thats alot. I worry about my stomach still thinking there is a babe cooking in there but the words, yes the words.

Early morning quick day start for me. I perform best under pressure late at night.

Speaking of which nano starts November 1st. I am on it. Writing screenplays, my own thing. I make words happen.

Ok!

"As Long As You WANT It, You Can't Have It. Be It. And It's YOURS."

That makes sense. Stop banging your head against the wall of want and just sit there and think of whatever it is (being a employed freelance writer living in California) picture yourself doing it.

Last night I turned off the light early for me as I was overcome with this soft yet intense feeling of love. I lay there seeing this intense wonderful being who is just mine and lovely in my presence.

It felt write.

Let us all go towards what feels right.

Don't go peeking around the past unless thats where you want to be.

Adventures to the front, promise.

Some things

Sunday night again. Last Sunday night I was with my youngest at the hospital for her sleep study. She did really well and as soon as I get an acceptable photo editing program on this new Mac I will post some photos of her. Sad sad sad to see your little one in a hospital bed. She LOVED it though.

Ofcourse she has sleep apnea. I have known it and her Dad has denied it for years. I can't go back in the past and over ride his shit so I am going to move forward.

Today is the 3rd anniversary of our house fire. Here is a photo
:




Shudder.

Our laundry room destroyed. Severe smoke damage all over the house. I thought that we had alot of spider webs. They weren't actually spider webs. They were melted plastic floating around. I thought that was pretty cool.

Gotta end with something positive and bright. Halloween 2008 - theme - Nightmare Before Christmas. The coolest prop we had was a fogger that also blew fogger bubbles. It was mesmerizing. This year is my nephew Trevors first Halloween! This week I am going to paint my pumpkin. I got one that is skeleton face shaped. We'll see what I come up with.

Dear 1

Dear Myself,

How are you? I hope this letter finds you well, because babe, you haven't been. While in retrospect, falling down and cracking your head on a dogcage is funny, its not one of those things you should be waking up in the middle of the night after a particularly intoxicating dream of uniforms and full relases and laughing about, then forgetting why you woke up.

Forgetting names for common things is also a bad sign.

Also, did you see how long that sentence went on? You can only be a great writer and do e.e. cummings shit once you have mastered the language.

You look like Meatloaf with the crack in the head in Rocky Horror Picture Show. Without all the bloating.

Remember the other day at the YMCA when you stood in the elevator for atleast a minute, thinking the elevator is moving, thinking you have pressed the down button (because the knee hates stairs) but in the realy real world, you have simply pressed the 'close door' button.

You should go see your doctor. It should only take 2 or so hours, bring a pillow. And to get weighed by the fully mustached nurse? What isn't to like.

Remember when doctors gave out suckers aka lollipops? Confusing signals indeed.

Two day old iced tea will perk you up, but will it ever make you happy? The same goes with food. Eat to live, not live to eat. Yes I saw the Taco Bell wrappers. Yes I know you have lost weight and inches.

Is any day a good day to get your new drivers license with hideous photo in the mail? It is not.

Cleaning the livingroom and breaking in the new MAC is not the way to fulfillment.

Remember how peaceful you feel when you just let go and let the pain and sadness fall down into the magma underneath the earths crust and let the dreams and intentions float up to the stars and whomever lives up there. Goddess, Jesus, Lakshmi?

You get to go to Los Angeles and Venice Beach and see the ocean and wear cool clothes and meet atleast one cool person, Francesca Lia Block. Maybe she can tell you something you haven't thought of.