Worse

Monday, I'll know Monday what the story is medical wise. I know that I have lost alot of muscle since the big bad surgery in March, which supports the joints. I know but I hope. I want my uptight funny surgeon to tell me it is nothing. To march out of there with just a brace and no plans for PHYSICAL THERAPY. PT is a sentence, it is a sentence of daily pain and it is mental as well as physical. Physical therapists are chirpy creatures, their job is to cause you pain, be your Nirvanaesque cheerleader. You will make everyone else feel as ease, crack jokes. Smirk through the pain. You will go sit in your car afterwards and look at yourself in the rearview 'I am Rose Hill I am Rose Hill' - it means nothing ancestorially but I have always pretended I descended from good brave people with some kind of magic about them.

One thing or the other.

Sometimes it squeezes me that at 38 there isn't alot of time left. I look like a youngster but my insides age, right?

I love life to intently that I know something will come up for the winter, right? Where I can be gone after Christmas through Jan someplace with sun so the darkness doesn't return.

I need a webpage. Which, if you know me, I was a web designer from the ground up for 9 years, and to not have a website is sacrilege! Actually it is freeing. But I need to have a solid space on the web where I put solid pieces so people can see my work and get to know me.

All the stuff I write is personal, I don't know how to get that distance.

All this will come, I pray, I pray.

Better

Erase the aches gurl
We all wanna see you soar
To have to put on sunglasses
You shine so bright
Especially at night
Our own lightning bug

Suck it Jon Bon Jovi and the cyclops japanese woman

Jon Bon Jovi thought he was not going to be recognized at some odd mall and started going on about how Alice Cooper is not a innovator, I had enough of his fluff rock bullshit and thus began the mockey and musical education of Jon Bon Jovi and his hair.

Prior to that I was sitting with a very tall friend at a restaurant and this little ill behaved beast of a child cracked me in the head, purposely. I looked around and found the mother to be a cyclops. I didn't want her to think she was going to get a parenting pass just because she had one eye in the middle of her head. She didn't seem to keen on schooling her beast but they did help me find my other shoe.

All the while, I kept thinking 'why aren't I wearing a bra?'

Dreams people. You get to wake up.

My little dog pigged the electric blanket last night and I in my sleeping state kept moving as she kept getting closer as I do when my child is in bed, to give them more room. Woke up cold, aching.

I think only one knee can hurt at a time its a universal rule like a before e except after c.

Humility

Sunday paper will become my nemesis littering my bedroom in no time. I see it peeking out the bottom of a box of wet wipes (used for cleaning my cpap mask nightly) and everything else. Wet wipes are wonderful.

I made 3 phone calls today, which is rare, for someone who doesn't even answer the phone and usually doesn't know where her cellphone is. I like emails and text.

My brother delivered an invitation to his fiancees bridal shower. I think she has a few more scheduled for the love of God. I hate small talk with white trash strangers who smoke while holding their babies and chow down on shit food. I smile and nod and tell the babies that one day they will grow up and have the chance to escape.

I did. I escaped. Mostly.

I have never smoked, I can eat less and less. I am down to eggs, popcorn and liquid protein. I get an MRI on my knee in the afternoon. I called my GP and spoke to 3 people about a pelvic exam. My library fines were overdue and I paid them, finally. When I went to reserve books tonight I found that I couldn't. So I will need to go into the library and plead my case I guess. Some hold on my library card.

I am going to California and I have a few people to see, mostly though I will be on my own. Not sure how long I will last unless I find a place I really like to explore. Not hard to do. I'm alone all the time really. The only adult I talk to is the kids Father. Who isn't a conversationalist, is somewhere on the autism/aspergers spectrum.

My daughter smashed me in the face with my camera today. It hits me hard when she is so full of rage (this time because her Father told her that he would take her to the carnival, found out that it was closed and then thought it was open and then found out it was closed and told her all this throughout the day).

He will be leaving for 4 days next week after being gone on Friday. Work is always busy and his consulting business is always busy. Lydia spends most of her time with me anyway, its okay, because I am her go to parent, her primary caregiver, its just so hard some days. He wont even take his laptop to watch some Scooby Doo with her unless I say something. He thinks he is doing the noble thing by bringing in money and I think there is more to life then money, there are these days we never get back.

My mood is dipping its the pain medication, I take as little as possible but it just kicks me down. The Father of my kids wont understand that I have another torn meniscus and some kind of arthritis till he sees it in paper form. He is like that with everyone my son says. If he had come to the doctors appointment he would know. There are torn meniscus tests that can be performed in office, they are like being made a human pretzel and the sounds that come from my knee are serious and bleak.

So, knee is back to fuckled like last year. Need another esophagus opening as I am unable to eat just about everything and I have no one to help me out.

Sounds about right. My best friend is in Texas. I need solid help but it wont come. I will overtax my son but it will help him grow. I will walk on this gimp leg till it gives out and carry on. Hopefully sometime in there I will dream of good times and love and picking cherries at my Aunts house. Beating the birds to their sweetness.

I will complete the MT training and get a cert and a decent job. I will keep working on my book and will get some writing gigs. The Universe will shower me with blessings, I will pray nightly and Thank God for my life and my childrens lives.

And thats about all. Pain, lone ranger with glasses, dreaming, dreams and family bullshit.

Keep this in mind, people who seek change

For the Young Who Want To

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Talent is what they say you have after the novel is published and favorably reviewed. Beforehand what you have is a tedious delusion, a hobby like knitting. Work is what you have done after the play is produced and the audience claps. Before that friends keep asking when you are planning to go out and get a job. Genius is what they know you had after the third volume of remarkable poems. Earlier they accuse you of withdrawing, ask why you don't have a baby, call you a bum. The reason people want M.F.A.'s, take workshops with fancy names when all you can really learn is a few techniques, typing instructions and some- body else's mannerisms is that every artist lacks a license to hang on the wall like your optician, your vet proving you may be a clumsy sadist whose fillings fall into the stew but you're certified a dentist. The real writer is one who really writes. Talent is an invention like phlogiston after the fact of fire. Work is its own cure. You have to like it better than being loved. Marge Piercy

Go

Subversive, sweeping changes.
Camo pants old and older
Without emotional pinnings
So much without navigation
What do you do with a head full of ideas?
What do you do with feet that wanna walk?

Plan.

Cane, Torchwood, Kicking Ass.

No denying, no walking it off, rubbing dirt on it, forgetting about it. See I had this operation on my knee to repair a tear and whilst in there my doctor found something called plica which involves leftover fetal cells and made my knee bones grind on each other. He fixed what he could.

I was good once healed, so glad not to hobble, not to have to use this leopard print cane. It went into the closet by the door with the winter things and shoes galore.

May comes and I start having shooting pain. I can no longer take NSAIDS which lowers swelling due to my abdominal surgery, so I use homeopathics, ice packs, elevation, wishful thinking. By today, my knee is not holding my body up. My bed is my work Mom center. My rooms are located off the main house, it is quiet here with the hum of the a/c and fan and my cpap.

While I have been resting my knee I have been watching Torchwood. Usually when you watch a show, you get a week inbetween to process it. I have watched both seasons in 2-3 days. I am traumatized. I need to talk to the actors who were killed to make sure they are okay. Then I watched the Torchwood movie? And it was painful to watch the children being forced from their Mothers arms, as an offering to aliens. They ended up okay, all of them except one. But it brought up the nazis and when the main character Captain Jack said, 'This whole planet is a big graveyard.' I thought yes, yes it is.

We sit on strangers bones daily.

I went on a roller coaster, I rode it and laughed and laughed. It was close to joy. I thought of my friend who says that when she rides her particular ride she laughs and cries and I really got it.

Tornado warnings here tonight, in the basement with a worried but clear headed 7 year old and two teenagers. This is a new friend of my son, he looks like Flapjack from that one cartoon but he has no sweetness or charm. I am glad to have a basement. Growing up we had a ditch to lay in when the sky turned green.

Back to my knee as it makes itself known. I missed my appointment yesterday morning. I called my surgeons gatekeeper and told her, she said they had no openings for two weeks. I am going to call again tomorrow and let her know I don't have the option of swelling reducing medication. Gatekeepers aka secretaries who wield power and lord over it like some fat king on a throne need to be handled with care. Nancy and I go way back, I used the same surgeon when my shoulder stopped working, I couldn't lift my arm, my left side, my writing and punching side. So there are 2-3 years of history. I know Nancy has my doctors back. I need to see my doctor so I can get a scan of my knee and make sure all structures are in place. Cortisone shots in my knee do not work well and that is too bad, maybe he will have another kind of steroid that does not explode like so many icicles all around my knee? We will see. I WILL get in to see him before two weeks, oh yes.

I don't care much for authority, up there with celebrities, all flawed humans pretending to have some power.

Tonight I listened to my brother as he explained the huge wall cloud descending on his neighborhood, the wind changing directions, the hail, the silence. I could hear the joy and awe in his voice and I felt proud. We saw Twister together so many years ago, I think that inspired him to love the weather like I do. We are just these little thoughts with skin on the outside, the big game is always the weather. It dictates everything about our lives if you think about it.

Our bodies break down, our minds deplete, my body sheds its extra weight, skin, and my appreciation for life accelerates. I have days of depression, it comes with being creative. I wanna be Kurt Vonnegut who grappled with the horror of war and made it tolerable through humor, who loved everyone without thought of some big present from God when he died. To be a humanist, to live in spite of the horror of humanity.

Tomorrow I hobble to the lake to stand in the water and watch my feet sink in the sand, enjoy the perch, listen to the kids play, the smells of Summer, suntan oil, something meaty on the grill, lake water.

My mother sent me a card. I don't speak to her, she asked for forgiveness. Forgiveness is important in life, most things can be forgiven, some things are so awful that forgiveness is not given. It is a gift, to be forgiven.

The last conversation we had was on speaker phone, someone dear to me got to hear how my Mother speaks to me. It was a treat that ended up with my dearest getting me some ice cream.

Haha. This is par for the course with her. I no longer expect her to care about me or mine. It feels good to let go.

We are moving towards moving within two years, probably Oregon maybe California. Mountains and the ocean and a quiet place to write and sleep are my basic needs. Creative good natured folks who live without drama and with joy and gratitude. Not that fake ass shit and all the clawing and one upping and rampant consumerism.

I grew up poor and I can say that money is not my no.1 priority in life. To be a good person and help others, to be the best Mother I can be, thats up there. Money is nice and it buys LUSH and vacations and BOOKS and I am more content with some pocket money but what we really have and own is inside us, the people we are, what we have, what we give.

It is a time of people leaving my life, and I honor that. Someone I deeply love and appreciate hasn't written or called, or reached out or reached back when I reached out. It makes me sad for a bit but maybe people are put in our lives for certain periods and then they move on or you move on. There are no hard feelings, it is just life.

So keep moving, keep loving, love more, grow, love God, love yourself, break free from what hinders you, swim don't sink. Hobble if you need to but keep walking.