See me safely through the night

Over the past 3 years I have learned some things. I have learned how different levels of pain move through the body. The toll it takes on the body and how burned out a person can get. Burned out on pain. So much pain, so little love. I always seek balance, my positive outlook is that alot of love is coming.

As I limped through this cold cold day, unusually cold. Generally a build up to the bitterness. 25 degrees and I am in a vest, today I was cold like a skinny girl. I bought a thick long sweater. A hat with flaps. I came home and I wanted to hear John Lennons voice.

My foot keeps turning in. I notice this from a distance. My leg from hip to toes is torqued, knee twisted and not quite healed from surgery. Running errands, making Christmas and happiness for others and I look for something anything to keep the darkness from rolling in.

I think of how much California felt like home. Just a few days and I am smitten. Sometimes it is like that.

Right now, I am doing time in a place I don't want to be, in a situation that is less then stellar. Alot of needless stress. A life with less purpose then I want.

Cliff diving, scuba diving, baptism by ocean water, sunset, back in my sundresses, relaxed life, healthy living, healthy loving.

I could be packed and gone within a week, you know. I did the website for our realtors, Sandi and Linda. Just sell it or give it to my sister and get some rent. Pack the car, rent a trailer, we can get beds, we can swap houses with a visiting professor, we could exchange this utter misery for brighter days. I could work somewhere, deal with people, haha. I could finish a book. Get some freelance gigs.

All by myself. I just want to say I can do it. I can do it anytime. I don't have to choose the loneliness and tears and cold nose and spider webs.

Because of all the loss and remorse and fights, I love my town but I can't get forward, I have forgone my own fulfillment for my childrens that I have so little, I have nothing.

I just need books, clothes, dogs, a coupla cats, my daughter. My son is halfway out the door.

I am a nomad at heart, my feet nailed to the floor here. Because kids need consistency.

My needs. A need.

One good thing.

I feel like I got shots in my arms. My braces ache, my scars remind me of the times I went under the knife to repair and never completely healed.

Dear Universe, send me a sign that California is where I belong, omens come to me, I intuitively know this.

I will miss the huge murder of crows that live in my town. I wont miss much else, as long as there are trees and water and interesting good people, a bedroom thats dark and cave like, I am content.

Roses go to sleep in the winter, some flower all year long.

Whats it gonna be my thorny lovely thing?