Strive

An email got me thinking about greatness.

I genuinely feel that everyone should strive for greatness, whatever their definition of greatness is. If I gave time to the idea that I was destined to be just like everyone else, I would not want to live. I refuse to accept that this is all there is. I am open and ready for new adventures. Positive growth experiences. I have had a dose of the horror, now I am ready for the pleasure. I require pleasure in all my senses.

I have to step it up, step out, make sweeping changes. Tonight, this darkness is the longest of the year. I will not dwell on the past, 2009 is just about over. Focus on the here and now, make your own greatness.

There is this spark in me, since I came to understand that I was a person, when I was very young that I was not like my fellow trailer dwelling neighbors. A tomboy and a reader, I see this child and I want to protect her. But the pain of childhood, loss, terror, no innocence, filth, has brought me here. For something more. Compassion and understanding for others.

I can be put down anywhere and make it a home. I can love even though I sometimes believe thats impossible.

If you take away possibility from someone, if you take away the basic mechanism of hope, then you take someones reason for living.

I look for reasons to continue on everyday. There is something more for me. It may not be my lot in life to win trophies and fuck rockstars but being the best Rose I can be? Absolutely.

I am in a state of transformation. I am gluing some fucking wings on and flying to someplace warm. I am writing and reading by water, my body is healing and I know peace, I know love.

A tenderness exists between two hard exteriors, isn't that a beautiful dream?

If I die before I am published, my writing will be given to my oldest friend Anne, who is a professor and a published author. I hope she can edit the words to something she can get published. I am thinking of that Neil Young song 'Unknown Legend'.

Neil Young to Laurie Anderson:

'Some people walk on water, some people walk on broken glass, some just walk round and round in their heads, some just, keep falling down.'

So you keep striving, keep moving forward, make plans, don't live a small life, live a life as big as you want it. Pack up and move. Don't be afraid to create new things. Someone out there will get it. Blessings occur every moment. We have to look without jaded eyes. If we let the ugliness of humanity cover us, the ugliness wins. Be positive, attract good things.

I am lonely. Thats my statement. My future lover is looking for me, that is so exciting. To connect with a man who likes what he sees and goes with what he feels? Thats another statement. Its been so long since I have known that bright star of romance, its all new. Innocent

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Live. Love. Create.

Everyday begin again. I write these words for you and to remind myself to keep breathing.

2010: Get over shyness, agoraphobia, embrace new things, open myself to love.
Be close to the ocean as much as possible.

Get properly medicated for ADD so I can finish all this writing.

Get stronger, heal up. If my shoulder is to be a limitation, learn to live with it, adapt. If my knee is to be a limitation, adapt.

Get back into yoga, alternative therapies, love more, be a better Mother, get rid of this excess flesh, let go of what doesn't work, take more classes.

Decide which degree to get next, marine biology or public health administration. Double income, grow hair longer, breathe.