That's not going to work for me, ZZ top, my giant liver

This post is all in good fun with some serious stuff mixed in. Thats my damn preface.

This is an old site but a goodie: http://www.etiquettehell.com/content/eh_misc/misc/dressincinerator.shtml

Here comes the bride, all dressed in white:
Why in Gods name would I want to go to the white trashiest part of my state to pick out a hideous fucking bridesmaid gown that I will have to pay for (which could go to something I want like upgrading my desktop) and sweat in, for a OCTOBER wedding. Why is this woman who is marrying my brother, who is 7 years younger then myself, and this woman is older then me, why why why did she ask me to be in her wedding?

My surgeon is the medical director, he did liver transplants, he did my other surgery and there were no complications. It doesn't matter. Blue eye shadow woman hates it! Her sister passed away last year from an accidental overdose of medications. I would of liked to have known her as she adopted children and seemed like a do gooder.

I salute people who make positive changes in their own lives and their life. Surgery is no small decision. I am sitting here writing out my will of sorts in case this is it. I am going on a self imposed liquid diet so that I can shrink my giant liver. It can't get nicked, I need it. I need him to not do it open vs. laproscopically then the recovery is longer and healing those big sucking wounds will take longer. No nicks, no leaks, no too much scar tissue. Quick and easy 2 hour surgery and I am awoken with a lovely pain pump I get to take home.

Sorry shark, the pain pump will be my new man. I will be pressing that bastard pretty much constantly.

Her vision of taste is not taste. Fake red flowers and sateeeeeen dresses. I am already guessing there will be matching parasols (dyed like our shitty shoes from PAYLESS HURT MORE) and perhaps a hat that goes up on one side.

I was in a wedding once. It was 1984 and I wore a cranberry satin jumpsuit, I weighed 95 lbs and it was my cousins wedding. My hair was permed tight and I had WHITE streaks. We showed up to the rehearsal drunk on Bartles and James, in a Camaro blasting ZZ Top, ok? So I have had that experience, when I was 12 fucking years old. I am done.

I texted my brother, who is so sick of this wedding planning already, that I couldn't swing a dress till March, for a wedding in OCTOBER (my caps) and that whatever ugly bow bedecked dress she likes is fine. I plan on getting a tight perm and WHITE streaks in my hair. I will be renting a Camaro with a cassette tape player and blasting 'Legs' when I show up to the wedding and wedding rehearsal, drunk.

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That's not going to work for me is a good way for genuinely nice people to let the person intruding know to back the fuck off.
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Clothes horse:
My sister and I are short people, short people should not wear choir esque robes that go down to the toes. Short people should wear flattering knee to mid calf at most. We are butt people. Bows only frame our booties. It does no one any favors. Especially for the tobacco chewing miscreant I will be trotting down the aisle with.

At first, it seemed cool, she seemed cool, this is the color, you find a dress. I can do that! There is a nice little flattering dress I could wear, definitely. Then she turned into a bridezilla.

Now its all no go.

So I say again, pick out the most hideous dress in the world my future sister in law, I will be so glad that my brother has health insurance for the first time in his adult life I don't care if I have to come in some duct taped outfit. Infact, that would be cool. I would prefer to wear a tuxedo jacket, my custom made corset, black mourning veil clipped to a red and black feathered fascinator, a skirt with a big zipper up one side and black and white striped tights to go with my combat boots.

I am a hippy a bit, I prefer organic and love to consumerism and the bullshit wedding money waster, but more of a punk DIYer with an esthetic that is outside the norm.

Thank Goddess for that. I also plan on getting my tattoos finished this Summer as my artist will be back in town so if the fianceeee wants a no tattoo wedding she better find a satin burkha.

Bwahahaha.

I will crush her with my kindness, I will slip into sheer hideousness, I will smile when I see my daughter as a flower girl (please baby Jesus let her dress be flattering, how wrong can you go with a flower girls dress????)

I like the woman my brother is about to marry. She tolerates my brother even when he declares that all her Christmas presents will be from CVS.