When I worked as a crisis counselor in the bad side of town, near Christmas, in came a drunk woman carrying a baby dressed only in a sleeper (you know those footed pajamas).
After assessing their needs, food, someone to talk to, voucher for a cab, the "Mother" got on the phone we kept out for clients. I held this little boy, whose name is Shepherd and he
smiled up at me with big trusting eyes. I could feel that his diaper was full so I laid him down gently on the couch and unzipped his pj's - he had a scar from the top of his ribcage down. I went about changing him and when I took him to his Mom, I asked about his scar. She told me he had had some kind of heart surgery when he was just a newborn. I saw him from time to time, met his Dad also named Shepherd, an older fellow who had the same eyes as his son. How can someone so tiny be so strong, already? The will to live and thrive.
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
Sunday, December 6, 2009
Going down
Slip and slide
Urge to be something more then me.
Smothered slowly, If I forgot to live.
I would still keep on living.
My heart pumping, lungs breathing in air.
Life is life and we are here to hold onto it.
I try not to think of last Christmas.
How I lost all that mattered.
And ended up in the hospital.
To get meds adjusted and smile.
To escape the hospital, I had to smile.
I never was good with authority figures.
I have so much and it all matters.
I have so much darkness and coldness and that matters.
Urge to be something more then me.
Smothered slowly, If I forgot to live.
I would still keep on living.
My heart pumping, lungs breathing in air.
Life is life and we are here to hold onto it.
I try not to think of last Christmas.
How I lost all that mattered.
And ended up in the hospital.
To get meds adjusted and smile.
To escape the hospital, I had to smile.
I never was good with authority figures.
I have so much and it all matters.
I have so much darkness and coldness and that matters.
Saturday, December 5, 2009
Alexandra Leaving
A song by Leonard Cohen. Oh My Goddess, drink in these beautiful lyrics, tears and nectar from heaven.
Suddenly the night has grown colder.
The god of love preparing to depart.
Alexandra hoisted on his shoulder,
They slip between the sentries of the heart.
Upheld by the simplicities of pleasure,
They gain the light, they formlessly entwine;
And radiant beyond your widest measure
They fall among the voices and the wine.
It’s not a trick, your senses all deceiving,
A fitful dream, the morning will exhaust –
Say goodbye to Alexandra leaving.
Then say goodbye to Alexandra lost.
Even though she sleeps upon your satin;
Even though she wakes you with a kiss.
Do not say the moment was imagined;
Do not stoop to strategies like this.
As someone long prepared for this to happen,
Go firmly to the window. Drink it in.
Exquisite music. Alexandra laughing.
Your firm commitments tangible again.
And you who had the honor of her evening,
And by the honor had your own restored –
Say goodbye to Alexandra leaving;
Alexandra leaving with her lord.
Even though she sleeps upon your satin;
Even though she wakes you with a kiss.
Do not say the moment was imagined;
Do not stoop to strategies like this.
As someone long prepared for the occasion;
In full command of every plan you wrecked –
Do not choose a coward’s explanation
that hides behind the cause and the effect.
And you who were bewildered by a meaning;
Whose code was broken, crucifix uncrossed –
Say goodbye to Alexandra leaving.
Then say goodbye to Alexandra lost.
Say goodbye to Alexandra leaving.
Then say goodbye to Alexandra lost.
Suddenly the night has grown colder.
The god of love preparing to depart.
Alexandra hoisted on his shoulder,
They slip between the sentries of the heart.
Upheld by the simplicities of pleasure,
They gain the light, they formlessly entwine;
And radiant beyond your widest measure
They fall among the voices and the wine.
It’s not a trick, your senses all deceiving,
A fitful dream, the morning will exhaust –
Say goodbye to Alexandra leaving.
Then say goodbye to Alexandra lost.
Even though she sleeps upon your satin;
Even though she wakes you with a kiss.
Do not say the moment was imagined;
Do not stoop to strategies like this.
As someone long prepared for this to happen,
Go firmly to the window. Drink it in.
Exquisite music. Alexandra laughing.
Your firm commitments tangible again.
And you who had the honor of her evening,
And by the honor had your own restored –
Say goodbye to Alexandra leaving;
Alexandra leaving with her lord.
Even though she sleeps upon your satin;
Even though she wakes you with a kiss.
Do not say the moment was imagined;
Do not stoop to strategies like this.
As someone long prepared for the occasion;
In full command of every plan you wrecked –
Do not choose a coward’s explanation
that hides behind the cause and the effect.
And you who were bewildered by a meaning;
Whose code was broken, crucifix uncrossed –
Say goodbye to Alexandra leaving.
Then say goodbye to Alexandra lost.
Say goodbye to Alexandra leaving.
Then say goodbye to Alexandra lost.
See me safely through the night
Over the past 3 years I have learned some things. I have learned how different levels of pain move through the body. The toll it takes on the body and how burned out a person can get. Burned out on pain. So much pain, so little love. I always seek balance, my positive outlook is that alot of love is coming.
As I limped through this cold cold day, unusually cold. Generally a build up to the bitterness. 25 degrees and I am in a vest, today I was cold like a skinny girl. I bought a thick long sweater. A hat with flaps. I came home and I wanted to hear John Lennons voice.
My foot keeps turning in. I notice this from a distance. My leg from hip to toes is torqued, knee twisted and not quite healed from surgery. Running errands, making Christmas and happiness for others and I look for something anything to keep the darkness from rolling in.
I think of how much California felt like home. Just a few days and I am smitten. Sometimes it is like that.
Right now, I am doing time in a place I don't want to be, in a situation that is less then stellar. Alot of needless stress. A life with less purpose then I want.
Cliff diving, scuba diving, baptism by ocean water, sunset, back in my sundresses, relaxed life, healthy living, healthy loving.
I could be packed and gone within a week, you know. I did the website for our realtors, Sandi and Linda. Just sell it or give it to my sister and get some rent. Pack the car, rent a trailer, we can get beds, we can swap houses with a visiting professor, we could exchange this utter misery for brighter days. I could work somewhere, deal with people, haha. I could finish a book. Get some freelance gigs.
All by myself. I just want to say I can do it. I can do it anytime. I don't have to choose the loneliness and tears and cold nose and spider webs.
Because of all the loss and remorse and fights, I love my town but I can't get forward, I have forgone my own fulfillment for my childrens that I have so little, I have nothing.
I just need books, clothes, dogs, a coupla cats, my daughter. My son is halfway out the door.
I am a nomad at heart, my feet nailed to the floor here. Because kids need consistency.
My needs. A need.
One good thing.
I feel like I got shots in my arms. My braces ache, my scars remind me of the times I went under the knife to repair and never completely healed.
Dear Universe, send me a sign that California is where I belong, omens come to me, I intuitively know this.
I will miss the huge murder of crows that live in my town. I wont miss much else, as long as there are trees and water and interesting good people, a bedroom thats dark and cave like, I am content.
Roses go to sleep in the winter, some flower all year long.
Whats it gonna be my thorny lovely thing?
As I limped through this cold cold day, unusually cold. Generally a build up to the bitterness. 25 degrees and I am in a vest, today I was cold like a skinny girl. I bought a thick long sweater. A hat with flaps. I came home and I wanted to hear John Lennons voice.
My foot keeps turning in. I notice this from a distance. My leg from hip to toes is torqued, knee twisted and not quite healed from surgery. Running errands, making Christmas and happiness for others and I look for something anything to keep the darkness from rolling in.
I think of how much California felt like home. Just a few days and I am smitten. Sometimes it is like that.
Right now, I am doing time in a place I don't want to be, in a situation that is less then stellar. Alot of needless stress. A life with less purpose then I want.
Cliff diving, scuba diving, baptism by ocean water, sunset, back in my sundresses, relaxed life, healthy living, healthy loving.
I could be packed and gone within a week, you know. I did the website for our realtors, Sandi and Linda. Just sell it or give it to my sister and get some rent. Pack the car, rent a trailer, we can get beds, we can swap houses with a visiting professor, we could exchange this utter misery for brighter days. I could work somewhere, deal with people, haha. I could finish a book. Get some freelance gigs.
All by myself. I just want to say I can do it. I can do it anytime. I don't have to choose the loneliness and tears and cold nose and spider webs.
Because of all the loss and remorse and fights, I love my town but I can't get forward, I have forgone my own fulfillment for my childrens that I have so little, I have nothing.
I just need books, clothes, dogs, a coupla cats, my daughter. My son is halfway out the door.
I am a nomad at heart, my feet nailed to the floor here. Because kids need consistency.
My needs. A need.
One good thing.
I feel like I got shots in my arms. My braces ache, my scars remind me of the times I went under the knife to repair and never completely healed.
Dear Universe, send me a sign that California is where I belong, omens come to me, I intuitively know this.
I will miss the huge murder of crows that live in my town. I wont miss much else, as long as there are trees and water and interesting good people, a bedroom thats dark and cave like, I am content.
Roses go to sleep in the winter, some flower all year long.
Whats it gonna be my thorny lovely thing?
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
Realization
I have merely tasted a drop or two of creativity. So much out there to delve into. Dive deep. I always admired the SEALS diving from helicopters into the middle of the ocean (or other troops who do the same) - expected to figure out where they are at and with a pack, get back home.
Thats where I am, waiting to jump. I can smell the ocean and I want it. I don't know how I will react once Im there but I want it.
How many years does a person wait for the miracle of purpose to come? I think you just do something and if it doesn't work, do something else.
A quote from a John Cusack movie I can't remember at the moment but was centered around skiing and Frankie. "You go down the hill, something gets in your way, turn."
Its a full moon. Damn that moon is sensual. I hope where you are at, you can see her. Yea, the moon is female.
The moon is always female but the sun
is female only in lands where females
are let into the sun to run and climb.
Marge Piercy
Thats where I am, waiting to jump. I can smell the ocean and I want it. I don't know how I will react once Im there but I want it.
How many years does a person wait for the miracle of purpose to come? I think you just do something and if it doesn't work, do something else.
A quote from a John Cusack movie I can't remember at the moment but was centered around skiing and Frankie. "You go down the hill, something gets in your way, turn."
Its a full moon. Damn that moon is sensual. I hope where you are at, you can see her. Yea, the moon is female.
The moon is always female but the sun
is female only in lands where females
are let into the sun to run and climb.
Marge Piercy
Thursday, November 26, 2009
Giving myself hope
My mind jumps, leaps, falls and goes down hills into semi filled ditches and I lay there in the water and wonder if this it and then I am off again. Its a ragged rugged mental race. My brain my mind, the only thing that matters - to my own self.
Everyone matters. However to myself, me as Rose, my brain matters. My body has failed me countless times and I am covered with scars and diving back into a big operation sometime in Jan but thats old news.
I am working on a will and I don't know what to leave and to who and why. Can't I just say, whatever money I have, put it in savings for those rainy days (that I love, rain that is) if someone wants to edit my writing and publish it, that would be a good legacy. Its not pretty though, alot of the writing is gritty and ugly. So much of my life has been spent as an observer of the ugliness of humanity.
Though I look for the best, my brain, my mind.
I dreamt that a dream came true. I was putting peanut butter on peanut butter cookies while sitting in a meadow, I looked over and there was the fellow for me. He had two girls. His name I think was Trissa. Ofcourse there was some magical thing involving mythological happenings. He was not much taller then me. He fit. He was by a tree.
I was shocked that something so good and fine had happened. I was minding my own business and there he was.
Thanksgiving is alot of stress, getting a huge meal prepared for a bunch of vegetarians. I had my roast turkey breast, a bit dry but still, TURKEY. I love turkey. It was humanely raised, slaughtered and fed gold or whatever it is they feed fancy well cared for pricey turkeys these days.
My Lu and I colored some Thanksgiving themed printouts and decorated the wall above the table. She set the table. She peeled potatoes, slowly but she did it. We ate and ate after listening to Alice's Restaurant and then saying what we were thankful for. Miles said he was thankful for women.
I forgot to take my b.c. pills for a week so I am pmsing, I recognize this, I don't know how I blew it this time around but its okay.
We need to think good things about ourselves, no slagging, we need to think good things about others. Which is hard because I find myself ridiculous and when I see other people treat each other without kindness, it makes me ridicule them. I am sarcastic without thinking about it. Thats my main language with Brian.
Grateful:
1) My bed is waiting, with a good book to be read
2) Tomorrow my girl goes to spend the night at her grandmas leaving me to feel unhinged in peace.
3) I see my therapist who has been fighting cancer for 2 almost 3 months now, first time I've seen her since she was diagnosed. And she says she misses ME. I miss her. She is one of the best people I know and not just because she knows all my secrets and still thinks I am a wonderful person. She once wrote to me that I am a mystic.
4) I get to sleep soon and the dreams will show me what I need to do or atleast be entertaining or horrifying.
5) I will wake up in the morning.
6) I can almost turn my head without squeaking in pain.
7) My best friend sent me an email about what we will get up to when we are old.
8) I got to talk to my Mom today. She told me she loved me. Till I was about 30, I had only heard her tell me she loved me maybe 3 times.
9) I am going to scrub my bathroom tomorrow and feel good when its clean!
10) Lush.com products will be arriving any day, so taking a bath will involve the most amazing smells and glitter.
11) I am constantly being showered with good things, the Universe blesses me. Love walks near.
12) I have a purpose, I have many purposes, they show themselves from time to time.
13) My right leg, right arm, face, left foot, both butt cheeks are healthy!
Rock on. Rose
Everyone matters. However to myself, me as Rose, my brain matters. My body has failed me countless times and I am covered with scars and diving back into a big operation sometime in Jan but thats old news.
I am working on a will and I don't know what to leave and to who and why. Can't I just say, whatever money I have, put it in savings for those rainy days (that I love, rain that is) if someone wants to edit my writing and publish it, that would be a good legacy. Its not pretty though, alot of the writing is gritty and ugly. So much of my life has been spent as an observer of the ugliness of humanity.
Though I look for the best, my brain, my mind.
I dreamt that a dream came true. I was putting peanut butter on peanut butter cookies while sitting in a meadow, I looked over and there was the fellow for me. He had two girls. His name I think was Trissa. Ofcourse there was some magical thing involving mythological happenings. He was not much taller then me. He fit. He was by a tree.
I was shocked that something so good and fine had happened. I was minding my own business and there he was.
Thanksgiving is alot of stress, getting a huge meal prepared for a bunch of vegetarians. I had my roast turkey breast, a bit dry but still, TURKEY. I love turkey. It was humanely raised, slaughtered and fed gold or whatever it is they feed fancy well cared for pricey turkeys these days.
My Lu and I colored some Thanksgiving themed printouts and decorated the wall above the table. She set the table. She peeled potatoes, slowly but she did it. We ate and ate after listening to Alice's Restaurant and then saying what we were thankful for. Miles said he was thankful for women.
I forgot to take my b.c. pills for a week so I am pmsing, I recognize this, I don't know how I blew it this time around but its okay.
We need to think good things about ourselves, no slagging, we need to think good things about others. Which is hard because I find myself ridiculous and when I see other people treat each other without kindness, it makes me ridicule them. I am sarcastic without thinking about it. Thats my main language with Brian.
Grateful:
1) My bed is waiting, with a good book to be read
2) Tomorrow my girl goes to spend the night at her grandmas leaving me to feel unhinged in peace.
3) I see my therapist who has been fighting cancer for 2 almost 3 months now, first time I've seen her since she was diagnosed. And she says she misses ME. I miss her. She is one of the best people I know and not just because she knows all my secrets and still thinks I am a wonderful person. She once wrote to me that I am a mystic.
4) I get to sleep soon and the dreams will show me what I need to do or atleast be entertaining or horrifying.
5) I will wake up in the morning.
6) I can almost turn my head without squeaking in pain.
7) My best friend sent me an email about what we will get up to when we are old.
8) I got to talk to my Mom today. She told me she loved me. Till I was about 30, I had only heard her tell me she loved me maybe 3 times.
9) I am going to scrub my bathroom tomorrow and feel good when its clean!
10) Lush.com products will be arriving any day, so taking a bath will involve the most amazing smells and glitter.
11) I am constantly being showered with good things, the Universe blesses me. Love walks near.
12) I have a purpose, I have many purposes, they show themselves from time to time.
13) My right leg, right arm, face, left foot, both butt cheeks are healthy!
Rock on. Rose
Saturday, November 21, 2009
Paid to write, never paid to love, unless the money is good!
Great how to site from a real life freelance writer with 8 hour days:
http://www.thursdaybram.com/
And her name is Thursday! What a cool name! Sure Rose is a cool name but to be named after a day of the week? Is she Wednesday Addamsesque?
Thats my goal. Paid to write. I am graduated, I have always been a writer. Asking the U to throw some opportunities this way. Since I kept my first online journal almost 10 years ago, I think I have experience. I can also make uninteresting things downright amusing. Thats what keeps me ticking.
Several freelance gigs to keep me active, dollars in the bank and moving forward. People want to hire me, I have that thing they are looking for, passion, loyalty and I am great with deadlines. Infact, I like to rub up against deadlines. Gets the ole adrenaline going.
Sure there are alot of people out there clamoring for writing gigs. I wont clamor. I will merely just be me, no need to plump my skills or be anyone else.
The Rose Zen of getting writing jobs.
Write books, help people write their stories, freelance non fiction writing, research articles, travel writing.
Love what you do. For reals. I love helping Moms have their babies, I love having babies, I love writing, I love people and their stories. I love warriors, troops and their hardness that covers where its soft, I love helping people, I love laughing at nothing and everything. I love and thats what matters. Full on love.
http://www.thursdaybram.com/
And her name is Thursday! What a cool name! Sure Rose is a cool name but to be named after a day of the week? Is she Wednesday Addamsesque?
Thats my goal. Paid to write. I am graduated, I have always been a writer. Asking the U to throw some opportunities this way. Since I kept my first online journal almost 10 years ago, I think I have experience. I can also make uninteresting things downright amusing. Thats what keeps me ticking.
Several freelance gigs to keep me active, dollars in the bank and moving forward. People want to hire me, I have that thing they are looking for, passion, loyalty and I am great with deadlines. Infact, I like to rub up against deadlines. Gets the ole adrenaline going.
Sure there are alot of people out there clamoring for writing gigs. I wont clamor. I will merely just be me, no need to plump my skills or be anyone else.
The Rose Zen of getting writing jobs.
Write books, help people write their stories, freelance non fiction writing, research articles, travel writing.
Love what you do. For reals. I love helping Moms have their babies, I love having babies, I love writing, I love people and their stories. I love warriors, troops and their hardness that covers where its soft, I love helping people, I love laughing at nothing and everything. I love and thats what matters. Full on love.
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