That's not going to work for me, ZZ top, my giant liver

This post is all in good fun with some serious stuff mixed in. Thats my damn preface.

This is an old site but a goodie: http://www.etiquettehell.com/content/eh_misc/misc/dressincinerator.shtml

Here comes the bride, all dressed in white:
Why in Gods name would I want to go to the white trashiest part of my state to pick out a hideous fucking bridesmaid gown that I will have to pay for (which could go to something I want like upgrading my desktop) and sweat in, for a OCTOBER wedding. Why is this woman who is marrying my brother, who is 7 years younger then myself, and this woman is older then me, why why why did she ask me to be in her wedding?

My surgeon is the medical director, he did liver transplants, he did my other surgery and there were no complications. It doesn't matter. Blue eye shadow woman hates it! Her sister passed away last year from an accidental overdose of medications. I would of liked to have known her as she adopted children and seemed like a do gooder.

I salute people who make positive changes in their own lives and their life. Surgery is no small decision. I am sitting here writing out my will of sorts in case this is it. I am going on a self imposed liquid diet so that I can shrink my giant liver. It can't get nicked, I need it. I need him to not do it open vs. laproscopically then the recovery is longer and healing those big sucking wounds will take longer. No nicks, no leaks, no too much scar tissue. Quick and easy 2 hour surgery and I am awoken with a lovely pain pump I get to take home.

Sorry shark, the pain pump will be my new man. I will be pressing that bastard pretty much constantly.

Her vision of taste is not taste. Fake red flowers and sateeeeeen dresses. I am already guessing there will be matching parasols (dyed like our shitty shoes from PAYLESS HURT MORE) and perhaps a hat that goes up on one side.

I was in a wedding once. It was 1984 and I wore a cranberry satin jumpsuit, I weighed 95 lbs and it was my cousins wedding. My hair was permed tight and I had WHITE streaks. We showed up to the rehearsal drunk on Bartles and James, in a Camaro blasting ZZ Top, ok? So I have had that experience, when I was 12 fucking years old. I am done.

I texted my brother, who is so sick of this wedding planning already, that I couldn't swing a dress till March, for a wedding in OCTOBER (my caps) and that whatever ugly bow bedecked dress she likes is fine. I plan on getting a tight perm and WHITE streaks in my hair. I will be renting a Camaro with a cassette tape player and blasting 'Legs' when I show up to the wedding and wedding rehearsal, drunk.

*****
That's not going to work for me is a good way for genuinely nice people to let the person intruding know to back the fuck off.
*****
Clothes horse:
My sister and I are short people, short people should not wear choir esque robes that go down to the toes. Short people should wear flattering knee to mid calf at most. We are butt people. Bows only frame our booties. It does no one any favors. Especially for the tobacco chewing miscreant I will be trotting down the aisle with.

At first, it seemed cool, she seemed cool, this is the color, you find a dress. I can do that! There is a nice little flattering dress I could wear, definitely. Then she turned into a bridezilla.

Now its all no go.

So I say again, pick out the most hideous dress in the world my future sister in law, I will be so glad that my brother has health insurance for the first time in his adult life I don't care if I have to come in some duct taped outfit. Infact, that would be cool. I would prefer to wear a tuxedo jacket, my custom made corset, black mourning veil clipped to a red and black feathered fascinator, a skirt with a big zipper up one side and black and white striped tights to go with my combat boots.

I am a hippy a bit, I prefer organic and love to consumerism and the bullshit wedding money waster, but more of a punk DIYer with an esthetic that is outside the norm.

Thank Goddess for that. I also plan on getting my tattoos finished this Summer as my artist will be back in town so if the fianceeee wants a no tattoo wedding she better find a satin burkha.

Bwahahaha.

I will crush her with my kindness, I will slip into sheer hideousness, I will smile when I see my daughter as a flower girl (please baby Jesus let her dress be flattering, how wrong can you go with a flower girls dress????)

I like the woman my brother is about to marry. She tolerates my brother even when he declares that all her Christmas presents will be from CVS.

Booting up

Booting up is what your computer does all the time. It comes from the saying to pull yourself up by your boot straps, which most people, well some people have done a time or two. Those who have been faced with hardships and gotten through.

I haven't always been a geek, I haven't always been a Mother either. I have been booting up for many years, computer wise and otherwise.

There is so little besides love that I can provide for my daughter. Getting healthy foods in her and rehydrating her and being there when she wants to talk about the accident is where I am at. Today her Dad celebrated his 40th birthday. She began to get grumpier and grumpier as the day wore on. So excited was she for his birthday that she got up at 6:30. Now she sleeps and we all breathe a sigh of relief.

Feb 23, March 3, March 10 - all days of medical stuff. Testing, endoscope, surgery in that order.

I am taking my vitamins and loading up on protein. My knee did not do well with the cortisone and now my foot is turning in on itself and swelling. I need to get to the doctor but there is so much to do. I feel as if I jumped down from someplace high. That shock kind of feeling.

I am full on with my med transcript course. As soon as I finish this up they will find me a job and then I can pursue the writing dream without worrying about finances. That said, I plan on enrolling in college for my next degree in the Fall. I love student loans, keeps me afloat. I love taking classes and learning new things.

I am a laid back kinda person, happy and amused, I am a giver and a pleaser. I like my vacations like I like my men, without agendas. I am such a planner that waking up without a plan is a good growth experience.

I spend all my days planning, orchestrating the lives of 3 other people plus 5 cats and 3 dogs. On top of my work and irregular play.

I took the best nap while on vacation. It was so nice. I put earplugs in my ears and the sun permeated my cold self and warmed me up. I know what it is like to be sun kissed, all over.

So right now I am booting up, gotta walk through the pain and stop the narcotics, though relief is good and being able to walk is also a good thing.

Quotes

“so I wait for you like a lonely house
till you will see me again and live in me.
Till then my windows ache”
— Pablo Neruda

From one of my favorite books, by a traditional sci fi writer but this book is all about Summer for a youngster.

“Some people turn sad awfully young. No special reason, it seems, but they seem almost to be born that way. They bruise easier, tire faster, cry quicker, remember longer and, as I say, get sadder younger than anyone else in the world. I know, for I’m one of them.”
—

Ray bradbury, Dandelion wine



“If you go home with someone and they don’t have any books, don’t fuck them.”
—

John Waters


Woman, sister, the cave wants our skin back,
it wants to shake our legs free from salt
and untwist our hair into strands of yarn
pulled rootless from the pocket of a man

Sherwin Bitsui

"If you want to create, you have to sacrifice superficiality, some security, and often your desire to be liked, to draw up your most intense insights, your most far-reaching visions."

Free thought

I look to myself to get things done.
My frustration is mostly at myself.
I will never be a golden girl.
But I will always be myself.
I probably wont morph into Godzilla, either.
But thats okay. Its okay. I have become accustomed to the pains.
I will be coming home from my trip to await more pains. Pain with a purpose.
Like birth.

Some people have wounds that have healed without really healing. They refuse to dig into them and let them ooze, see the sky. I have been here, so I understand. I just can't wrap my arms
around someone who refuses to budge, to go forward or backward. To merely
sink.

An open mind and heart can and do change the world. Or one persons life.

I happen to like the smell of bleach.

I am shy as heck about meeting new people but if we don't challenge ourselves to break out
of our email boxes, then whats the point? The worst would be if I clammed up and wasn't able to be myself, let the Rose hide and not shine my weird self, the best will be that I meet good new people.

I love coming back to my kids, I deplore coming back here and he is here. The sighs and lording, the 'I am the best' - always going on. To live with someone who HAS to be right all the time, that is just too much for me.

When I met him years ago, I was so glad to be around someone with smarts. I listen to him read a tongue twister book to our daughter, she isn't listening or interested. He is seriously reading it to prove to himself and whomever is listening that he can read it.

I would never want to hold such arrogance inside myself. I feel humble every day and blessed that I went from trailer living to mostly educated and loving and mostly healed and healing. Who is this man who is turning 40?

Please let us part in peace, let God find him a place nearby so that he is always there for the children. Let us find partners who fit us and kind destinies.

Dear God, Thank you for every day, even the ones that I can't get out of bed for.
Let my soul dance with Shawn and her friends in California. Let the waves lap at my
feet so I know I am at home. Mostly, Thank you for the people who have been able to get
some food in their bellies where there was none. Let tomorrow be brighter and kinder for everyone. Let your love shine down on us all, allow us to walk in faith, to be touched and touch. Amen.

Poem in progress

Up For It

Stranger danger, leaping out from nowhere

Non pulsed, non alarmed, observational

Where is this being from?

Why are his socks black and shoes black?

Fancy man or is it easier to match black on black?

I kept looking and I stopped

Looking for something did nothing for me

Instead I read and went to college and got smarter

These days, I don't need anyone. Even you.

I wrote you a letter and laughed.

Its not callousness that drives me.

Its my purpose, my purpose of self.

To be more succinct its putting away childish toys.

Of rock star wishes, of a man who meant so much.

So everything. So deep. So kind. So ideal. So eager.

There I was, younger. Now I am open, wide open.

Full throttle. Chasing after what I want.

Personal Success. Its personal like pain.

Personal success is mine.

I raised one kid and one child is being raised.

We all raise each other if we sing loudly in the car.

The games we play round and round. Hide and seek

and write on a box. Thats my life. Thats part of my success.

To be more scar tissue then tissue, which is stronger.

Soon a surgeon will cut through some scar tissue to make me better.

Lets see how that goes. I will emerge down but make my way back up.

I heal quick, I force myself through the pain. Pain is my companion.

Maybe thats what I don't require a man? Always there, always patient.

This is my boyfriend pain, he is great, in bed.

The ocean whispers in my ear when I fall asleep. She waits patiently.

For my turn, to be on the waves and float in. To be inside her glorious

womb. Counting fishes, oohing in my scuba suit. Grateful and humbled

in her presence. Prayers to the divine. Prayers for us all.

Are you happy if no, change

I am at home and the house is almost warm. 4816.00 for a new furnace. I can't find a ticket to LA for less then 400.00 I can't afford it and the 14 day window for purchasing is on Friday.

My daughter cried when she saw me looking at plane tickets.

As I go about my day, I keep it positive, even when fish water is splashing on the left side of my body, I tend to make up musical type songs.

For all the times B. wasn't there, I wasn't there for someone, someone wasn't there for me, parents, repair men, etc.

'Thank you for not being there. For me. Thank you for not being around. Its made me
strong-er each and every time, you were not there for MEEEE.'

I love Prince. When itunes comes up with one of his songs 'Forever In My Life'. Sign O' The Times is probably my favorite album.

Child is in the bath. Constant chatter going on. Example, her mermaid toy can stay on land for one hour and a minute.

Glad to connect with my therapist tomorrow. Hands are shaking more then not these days.

One of the places my writing is featured had a grand opening in London. Isn't that fabulous? My words are someplace awesome.

The dogs are always happy when they come back inside. As if they are unsure whether warmth exists anymore.

Does it?

Positive