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Monday, July 12, 2010
Keep this in mind, people who seek change
Thursday, July 1, 2010
Go
Subversive, sweeping changes.
Camo pants old and older
Without emotional pinnings
So much without navigation
What do you do with a head full of ideas?
What do you do with feet that wanna walk?
Plan.
Camo pants old and older
Without emotional pinnings
So much without navigation
What do you do with a head full of ideas?
What do you do with feet that wanna walk?
Plan.
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
Cane, Torchwood, Kicking Ass.
No denying, no walking it off, rubbing dirt on it, forgetting about it. See I had this operation on my knee to repair a tear and whilst in there my doctor found something called plica which involves leftover fetal cells and made my knee bones grind on each other. He fixed what he could.
I was good once healed, so glad not to hobble, not to have to use this leopard print cane. It went into the closet by the door with the winter things and shoes galore.
May comes and I start having shooting pain. I can no longer take NSAIDS which lowers swelling due to my abdominal surgery, so I use homeopathics, ice packs, elevation, wishful thinking. By today, my knee is not holding my body up. My bed is my work Mom center. My rooms are located off the main house, it is quiet here with the hum of the a/c and fan and my cpap.
While I have been resting my knee I have been watching Torchwood. Usually when you watch a show, you get a week inbetween to process it. I have watched both seasons in 2-3 days. I am traumatized. I need to talk to the actors who were killed to make sure they are okay. Then I watched the Torchwood movie? And it was painful to watch the children being forced from their Mothers arms, as an offering to aliens. They ended up okay, all of them except one. But it brought up the nazis and when the main character Captain Jack said, 'This whole planet is a big graveyard.' I thought yes, yes it is.
We sit on strangers bones daily.
I went on a roller coaster, I rode it and laughed and laughed. It was close to joy. I thought of my friend who says that when she rides her particular ride she laughs and cries and I really got it.
Tornado warnings here tonight, in the basement with a worried but clear headed 7 year old and two teenagers. This is a new friend of my son, he looks like Flapjack from that one cartoon but he has no sweetness or charm. I am glad to have a basement. Growing up we had a ditch to lay in when the sky turned green.
Back to my knee as it makes itself known. I missed my appointment yesterday morning. I called my surgeons gatekeeper and told her, she said they had no openings for two weeks. I am going to call again tomorrow and let her know I don't have the option of swelling reducing medication. Gatekeepers aka secretaries who wield power and lord over it like some fat king on a throne need to be handled with care. Nancy and I go way back, I used the same surgeon when my shoulder stopped working, I couldn't lift my arm, my left side, my writing and punching side. So there are 2-3 years of history. I know Nancy has my doctors back. I need to see my doctor so I can get a scan of my knee and make sure all structures are in place. Cortisone shots in my knee do not work well and that is too bad, maybe he will have another kind of steroid that does not explode like so many icicles all around my knee? We will see. I WILL get in to see him before two weeks, oh yes.
I don't care much for authority, up there with celebrities, all flawed humans pretending to have some power.
Tonight I listened to my brother as he explained the huge wall cloud descending on his neighborhood, the wind changing directions, the hail, the silence. I could hear the joy and awe in his voice and I felt proud. We saw Twister together so many years ago, I think that inspired him to love the weather like I do. We are just these little thoughts with skin on the outside, the big game is always the weather. It dictates everything about our lives if you think about it.
Our bodies break down, our minds deplete, my body sheds its extra weight, skin, and my appreciation for life accelerates. I have days of depression, it comes with being creative. I wanna be Kurt Vonnegut who grappled with the horror of war and made it tolerable through humor, who loved everyone without thought of some big present from God when he died. To be a humanist, to live in spite of the horror of humanity.
Tomorrow I hobble to the lake to stand in the water and watch my feet sink in the sand, enjoy the perch, listen to the kids play, the smells of Summer, suntan oil, something meaty on the grill, lake water.
My mother sent me a card. I don't speak to her, she asked for forgiveness. Forgiveness is important in life, most things can be forgiven, some things are so awful that forgiveness is not given. It is a gift, to be forgiven.
The last conversation we had was on speaker phone, someone dear to me got to hear how my Mother speaks to me. It was a treat that ended up with my dearest getting me some ice cream.
Haha. This is par for the course with her. I no longer expect her to care about me or mine. It feels good to let go.
We are moving towards moving within two years, probably Oregon maybe California. Mountains and the ocean and a quiet place to write and sleep are my basic needs. Creative good natured folks who live without drama and with joy and gratitude. Not that fake ass shit and all the clawing and one upping and rampant consumerism.
I grew up poor and I can say that money is not my no.1 priority in life. To be a good person and help others, to be the best Mother I can be, thats up there. Money is nice and it buys LUSH and vacations and BOOKS and I am more content with some pocket money but what we really have and own is inside us, the people we are, what we have, what we give.
It is a time of people leaving my life, and I honor that. Someone I deeply love and appreciate hasn't written or called, or reached out or reached back when I reached out. It makes me sad for a bit but maybe people are put in our lives for certain periods and then they move on or you move on. There are no hard feelings, it is just life.
So keep moving, keep loving, love more, grow, love God, love yourself, break free from what hinders you, swim don't sink. Hobble if you need to but keep walking.
I was good once healed, so glad not to hobble, not to have to use this leopard print cane. It went into the closet by the door with the winter things and shoes galore.
May comes and I start having shooting pain. I can no longer take NSAIDS which lowers swelling due to my abdominal surgery, so I use homeopathics, ice packs, elevation, wishful thinking. By today, my knee is not holding my body up. My bed is my work Mom center. My rooms are located off the main house, it is quiet here with the hum of the a/c and fan and my cpap.
While I have been resting my knee I have been watching Torchwood. Usually when you watch a show, you get a week inbetween to process it. I have watched both seasons in 2-3 days. I am traumatized. I need to talk to the actors who were killed to make sure they are okay. Then I watched the Torchwood movie? And it was painful to watch the children being forced from their Mothers arms, as an offering to aliens. They ended up okay, all of them except one. But it brought up the nazis and when the main character Captain Jack said, 'This whole planet is a big graveyard.' I thought yes, yes it is.
We sit on strangers bones daily.
I went on a roller coaster, I rode it and laughed and laughed. It was close to joy. I thought of my friend who says that when she rides her particular ride she laughs and cries and I really got it.
Tornado warnings here tonight, in the basement with a worried but clear headed 7 year old and two teenagers. This is a new friend of my son, he looks like Flapjack from that one cartoon but he has no sweetness or charm. I am glad to have a basement. Growing up we had a ditch to lay in when the sky turned green.
Back to my knee as it makes itself known. I missed my appointment yesterday morning. I called my surgeons gatekeeper and told her, she said they had no openings for two weeks. I am going to call again tomorrow and let her know I don't have the option of swelling reducing medication. Gatekeepers aka secretaries who wield power and lord over it like some fat king on a throne need to be handled with care. Nancy and I go way back, I used the same surgeon when my shoulder stopped working, I couldn't lift my arm, my left side, my writing and punching side. So there are 2-3 years of history. I know Nancy has my doctors back. I need to see my doctor so I can get a scan of my knee and make sure all structures are in place. Cortisone shots in my knee do not work well and that is too bad, maybe he will have another kind of steroid that does not explode like so many icicles all around my knee? We will see. I WILL get in to see him before two weeks, oh yes.
I don't care much for authority, up there with celebrities, all flawed humans pretending to have some power.
Tonight I listened to my brother as he explained the huge wall cloud descending on his neighborhood, the wind changing directions, the hail, the silence. I could hear the joy and awe in his voice and I felt proud. We saw Twister together so many years ago, I think that inspired him to love the weather like I do. We are just these little thoughts with skin on the outside, the big game is always the weather. It dictates everything about our lives if you think about it.
Our bodies break down, our minds deplete, my body sheds its extra weight, skin, and my appreciation for life accelerates. I have days of depression, it comes with being creative. I wanna be Kurt Vonnegut who grappled with the horror of war and made it tolerable through humor, who loved everyone without thought of some big present from God when he died. To be a humanist, to live in spite of the horror of humanity.
Tomorrow I hobble to the lake to stand in the water and watch my feet sink in the sand, enjoy the perch, listen to the kids play, the smells of Summer, suntan oil, something meaty on the grill, lake water.
My mother sent me a card. I don't speak to her, she asked for forgiveness. Forgiveness is important in life, most things can be forgiven, some things are so awful that forgiveness is not given. It is a gift, to be forgiven.
The last conversation we had was on speaker phone, someone dear to me got to hear how my Mother speaks to me. It was a treat that ended up with my dearest getting me some ice cream.
Haha. This is par for the course with her. I no longer expect her to care about me or mine. It feels good to let go.
We are moving towards moving within two years, probably Oregon maybe California. Mountains and the ocean and a quiet place to write and sleep are my basic needs. Creative good natured folks who live without drama and with joy and gratitude. Not that fake ass shit and all the clawing and one upping and rampant consumerism.
I grew up poor and I can say that money is not my no.1 priority in life. To be a good person and help others, to be the best Mother I can be, thats up there. Money is nice and it buys LUSH and vacations and BOOKS and I am more content with some pocket money but what we really have and own is inside us, the people we are, what we have, what we give.
It is a time of people leaving my life, and I honor that. Someone I deeply love and appreciate hasn't written or called, or reached out or reached back when I reached out. It makes me sad for a bit but maybe people are put in our lives for certain periods and then they move on or you move on. There are no hard feelings, it is just life.
So keep moving, keep loving, love more, grow, love God, love yourself, break free from what hinders you, swim don't sink. Hobble if you need to but keep walking.
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
I don't care about the truth, I want the naked truth
A person has to cull the herd of people in their lives. That is how it is and how I choose to live my lifetime.
This is all a good thing. These people who are "family" have never shown that they are worthy of being my family. Its all take and who has the biggest television. I have given them love unconditionally. I raised my brother and sister, I have encouraged them to better their lives, by being positive, by loving them and telling them that I love them. It has no effect, their upbringing was entirely different then mine.
So I move on, glad to be on my way to incredible adventures with my kids this Summer. Good people find their way to me and I dance a happy dance and gratitude instead of satitude fills me up.
Allow people who give into your life. Most people are takers, selfish, self serving, unable, unenlightened, unwilling to reach out to anyone else. It is those of us who make a difference or try real hard that gives me hope for this world. The rest of them? They will go on polluting with their words of hate and consumerism.
All around us people are obsessed with money and bigger and better. To me bigger and better is that last 10 lbs I lost and how I am coping through these trying times while being a good parent, being as in the moment and as focused as I can on my kids.
If I can make it through today, I can probably make it through tomorrow, I know every version of pain from heartbreak to a shoulder torn from its socket.
Enough pain, I don't want to spend anymore time in Painville. Some people, all they have is pain to give. They are merely ghosts that pass through us and they are gone.
I am onto pleasureville. It started with a mango smoothie today and a ripe nectarine. Followed by the consuming scent of a overgrown rose garden. I know I need to trim but it to me is gorgeous in its intense color and wildness.
Embrace it. Love anyways.
Mezilla
This is all a good thing. These people who are "family" have never shown that they are worthy of being my family. Its all take and who has the biggest television. I have given them love unconditionally. I raised my brother and sister, I have encouraged them to better their lives, by being positive, by loving them and telling them that I love them. It has no effect, their upbringing was entirely different then mine.
So I move on, glad to be on my way to incredible adventures with my kids this Summer. Good people find their way to me and I dance a happy dance and gratitude instead of satitude fills me up.
Allow people who give into your life. Most people are takers, selfish, self serving, unable, unenlightened, unwilling to reach out to anyone else. It is those of us who make a difference or try real hard that gives me hope for this world. The rest of them? They will go on polluting with their words of hate and consumerism.
All around us people are obsessed with money and bigger and better. To me bigger and better is that last 10 lbs I lost and how I am coping through these trying times while being a good parent, being as in the moment and as focused as I can on my kids.
If I can make it through today, I can probably make it through tomorrow, I know every version of pain from heartbreak to a shoulder torn from its socket.
Enough pain, I don't want to spend anymore time in Painville. Some people, all they have is pain to give. They are merely ghosts that pass through us and they are gone.
I am onto pleasureville. It started with a mango smoothie today and a ripe nectarine. Followed by the consuming scent of a overgrown rose garden. I know I need to trim but it to me is gorgeous in its intense color and wildness.
Embrace it. Love anyways.
Mezilla
Sunday, May 30, 2010
Every thorn has a Rose
The key is to not take deep breaths. To take small breaths, to lay as still as possible. Absolute dark helps.
There is the body and then there is Rose. The body is just that, a body that has required alot of pain to get right. Rose is always going, always growing, writing, I remember in the hospital borrowing a sharpie and taking some notes on my hand.
Morphine pain pumps are pretty sweet.
My Mom is my Mom. Meaning, she gave birth to me and I am thankful for that. She forgot she has two grand children once my sisters baby was born but that is her choice and not something I gotta dwell over or take on. When she comes to town it is for her newest grandchild. When my daughter asked me why grandma didn't come over I told her. In not so many words. Truth hurts but it really sets us free.
I love all the stages my kids went through, sure babies are fun, but I am biased, I love my kids.
My son is covered in a rash and sleeps all day. He made a little cross to put in the flag holder (that didn't have a flag in it) and that was really awesome of him.
I have found that if you don't depend on people you wont be disappointed. So few people are to be trusted, it is not that anything is wrong with them, it is just that the majority of people are so self consumed they are incapable of being trusted.
I picked some roses. I sleep. I wait for the thunderstorms to come. I keep dreaming of moving and finding my new home and packing and fitting my stuff in. Dunno how I end up in Chicago.
More likely to end up far far away from others, thats what satellite wifi is for, right?
Less people more creative goings on. Some fruit trees, some gardens, solitude.
I think the general population needs a television, I am happy without it. In the hospital the nurses were pushing watching tv, I had no desire to watch it. If I want to watch a show, I download it. No commercials.
Shawn and her group are partying it up this weekend. I tried to go but not dice with the free air miles.
Here comes Lydia again to get me to head outside in the heat and mosquitos, which I will do with a smile.
I am not sure where we are moving but we are, new friends, a family we make ourselves, a small bubble of society where everyone cares about each other helps.
Right now I am doing it all myself.
There is the body and then there is Rose. The body is just that, a body that has required alot of pain to get right. Rose is always going, always growing, writing, I remember in the hospital borrowing a sharpie and taking some notes on my hand.
Morphine pain pumps are pretty sweet.
My Mom is my Mom. Meaning, she gave birth to me and I am thankful for that. She forgot she has two grand children once my sisters baby was born but that is her choice and not something I gotta dwell over or take on. When she comes to town it is for her newest grandchild. When my daughter asked me why grandma didn't come over I told her. In not so many words. Truth hurts but it really sets us free.
I love all the stages my kids went through, sure babies are fun, but I am biased, I love my kids.
My son is covered in a rash and sleeps all day. He made a little cross to put in the flag holder (that didn't have a flag in it) and that was really awesome of him.
I have found that if you don't depend on people you wont be disappointed. So few people are to be trusted, it is not that anything is wrong with them, it is just that the majority of people are so self consumed they are incapable of being trusted.
I picked some roses. I sleep. I wait for the thunderstorms to come. I keep dreaming of moving and finding my new home and packing and fitting my stuff in. Dunno how I end up in Chicago.
More likely to end up far far away from others, thats what satellite wifi is for, right?
Less people more creative goings on. Some fruit trees, some gardens, solitude.
I think the general population needs a television, I am happy without it. In the hospital the nurses were pushing watching tv, I had no desire to watch it. If I want to watch a show, I download it. No commercials.
Shawn and her group are partying it up this weekend. I tried to go but not dice with the free air miles.
Here comes Lydia again to get me to head outside in the heat and mosquitos, which I will do with a smile.
I am not sure where we are moving but we are, new friends, a family we make ourselves, a small bubble of society where everyone cares about each other helps.
Right now I am doing it all myself.
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
People who eat alot and constantly
In fancy restaurants while others are spending 14.99 at the grocery store, hoping just fucking hoping that it will be enough for her family to eat till Friday when the check comes.
I throw up and I throw up some more. Today in a public bathroom, in my car. In the privacy of my own hell/home.
I have to sleep because I can't stand my reality. I can't stand how shallow and indifferent people are. How people only care about what you can give them, how wanty people are, how most people are takers and will walk right over your broken body to get what they feel they have coming.
You don't know poor. So few have gone without. I can't even think about my childhood and having nothing new for school each Fall, it shames me to no end that we were poor. I remember my Mom leaving us in the car for hours while she stood in line to buy Coke syrup, the cheapest medicine they had. My brother peed his snowsuit, I lost my mind with fear. I zipped up his suit and I cut his chin. We froze a little that day.
I never want to be poor. I never want my kids to go without. I am feral in that respect. I don't mean fancy clothes, I mean clothes that fit. Shirts too short, pants out of fashion, trying to make buttons closed with safety pins. Walking in the snow with polyester pants. My snow boots falling apart, my small feet open to the elements.
No one intervened. No one cared. Jesus was nowhere, he wasn't carrying me, he was hitching a ride on my back. Suffer ye little children.
I read some where that poor people are kept poor because they freely share resources in their neighborhoods. If someone needs some food they give it. If someone needs to see a doctor they all go in and pay.
The rich will never know these kindnesses. The rich will eat and eat and then when their arteries get blocked they will hire some fancy cardiologist to make them better.
The only rich people I give a shit for are the ones who give their money away.
Fuck money.
My sister told me that love is priceless. Love has a price. Today it involves swallowing puke and continuing to read my daughter bedtime stories while trying not to feel too sorry for myself.
I throw up and I throw up some more. Today in a public bathroom, in my car. In the privacy of my own hell/home.
I have to sleep because I can't stand my reality. I can't stand how shallow and indifferent people are. How people only care about what you can give them, how wanty people are, how most people are takers and will walk right over your broken body to get what they feel they have coming.
You don't know poor. So few have gone without. I can't even think about my childhood and having nothing new for school each Fall, it shames me to no end that we were poor. I remember my Mom leaving us in the car for hours while she stood in line to buy Coke syrup, the cheapest medicine they had. My brother peed his snowsuit, I lost my mind with fear. I zipped up his suit and I cut his chin. We froze a little that day.
I never want to be poor. I never want my kids to go without. I am feral in that respect. I don't mean fancy clothes, I mean clothes that fit. Shirts too short, pants out of fashion, trying to make buttons closed with safety pins. Walking in the snow with polyester pants. My snow boots falling apart, my small feet open to the elements.
No one intervened. No one cared. Jesus was nowhere, he wasn't carrying me, he was hitching a ride on my back. Suffer ye little children.
I read some where that poor people are kept poor because they freely share resources in their neighborhoods. If someone needs some food they give it. If someone needs to see a doctor they all go in and pay.
The rich will never know these kindnesses. The rich will eat and eat and then when their arteries get blocked they will hire some fancy cardiologist to make them better.
The only rich people I give a shit for are the ones who give their money away.
Fuck money.
My sister told me that love is priceless. Love has a price. Today it involves swallowing puke and continuing to read my daughter bedtime stories while trying not to feel too sorry for myself.
Monday, April 26, 2010
California state of mind, my pants
A rented house. I can see it. Its wood shingles, flowers welcoming. A good sized fenced in backyard. Neighbors that are kindly. Kids playing outside.
The smell of the ocean. Riding my bike to the indie owned grocery store or WHOLE FOODS. People around me who are quick to become friends. BBQ's, good music. Good people.
Good people.
I don't want to get all Jimmy Buffet, as this isn't a Rose Hill booze cruise, I will make a difference in whatever community I live in.
My friend hit me with a sad truth, all the hot little mens I see in uniform who are around my age are ALL married or too young. There has got to be one warrior waiting, eh?
I gotta find a photo of the perfect house.
Some of you know of my love for vintage looking dresses and funky skirts. As of right now, nothing fits, except somehow my tittays have moved up. My pajama bottoms fall off as I walk. I wear yoga pants with a tie waist, I have 4 pairs of these and a tshirt. I have so few tshirts,
My feet are definitely 7.5 and no longer possibly 8.
Yep.
Im shrinking!
However, 140 in Michigan is 250 in California.
A woman with a figure has got to rock her curves. Especially when I am working out for the 3rd time of the day with my fellow Steppford Wives.
NEVER!
Show me where the do gooder lovely freaks live and we will make it home.
Just promise no earthquakes so big that the Leviathan rises from the sea.
The smell of the ocean. Riding my bike to the indie owned grocery store or WHOLE FOODS. People around me who are quick to become friends. BBQ's, good music. Good people.
Good people.
I don't want to get all Jimmy Buffet, as this isn't a Rose Hill booze cruise, I will make a difference in whatever community I live in.
My friend hit me with a sad truth, all the hot little mens I see in uniform who are around my age are ALL married or too young. There has got to be one warrior waiting, eh?
I gotta find a photo of the perfect house.
Some of you know of my love for vintage looking dresses and funky skirts. As of right now, nothing fits, except somehow my tittays have moved up. My pajama bottoms fall off as I walk. I wear yoga pants with a tie waist, I have 4 pairs of these and a tshirt. I have so few tshirts,
My feet are definitely 7.5 and no longer possibly 8.
Yep.
Im shrinking!
However, 140 in Michigan is 250 in California.
A woman with a figure has got to rock her curves. Especially when I am working out for the 3rd time of the day with my fellow Steppford Wives.
NEVER!
Show me where the do gooder lovely freaks live and we will make it home.
Just promise no earthquakes so big that the Leviathan rises from the sea.
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