Poem in progress

Up For It

Stranger danger, leaping out from nowhere

Non pulsed, non alarmed, observational

Where is this being from?

Why are his socks black and shoes black?

Fancy man or is it easier to match black on black?

I kept looking and I stopped

Looking for something did nothing for me

Instead I read and went to college and got smarter

These days, I don't need anyone. Even you.

I wrote you a letter and laughed.

Its not callousness that drives me.

Its my purpose, my purpose of self.

To be more succinct its putting away childish toys.

Of rock star wishes, of a man who meant so much.

So everything. So deep. So kind. So ideal. So eager.

There I was, younger. Now I am open, wide open.

Full throttle. Chasing after what I want.

Personal Success. Its personal like pain.

Personal success is mine.

I raised one kid and one child is being raised.

We all raise each other if we sing loudly in the car.

The games we play round and round. Hide and seek

and write on a box. Thats my life. Thats part of my success.

To be more scar tissue then tissue, which is stronger.

Soon a surgeon will cut through some scar tissue to make me better.

Lets see how that goes. I will emerge down but make my way back up.

I heal quick, I force myself through the pain. Pain is my companion.

Maybe thats what I don't require a man? Always there, always patient.

This is my boyfriend pain, he is great, in bed.

The ocean whispers in my ear when I fall asleep. She waits patiently.

For my turn, to be on the waves and float in. To be inside her glorious

womb. Counting fishes, oohing in my scuba suit. Grateful and humbled

in her presence. Prayers to the divine. Prayers for us all.

Are you happy if no, change

I am at home and the house is almost warm. 4816.00 for a new furnace. I can't find a ticket to LA for less then 400.00 I can't afford it and the 14 day window for purchasing is on Friday.

My daughter cried when she saw me looking at plane tickets.

As I go about my day, I keep it positive, even when fish water is splashing on the left side of my body, I tend to make up musical type songs.

For all the times B. wasn't there, I wasn't there for someone, someone wasn't there for me, parents, repair men, etc.

'Thank you for not being there. For me. Thank you for not being around. Its made me
strong-er each and every time, you were not there for MEEEE.'

I love Prince. When itunes comes up with one of his songs 'Forever In My Life'. Sign O' The Times is probably my favorite album.

Child is in the bath. Constant chatter going on. Example, her mermaid toy can stay on land for one hour and a minute.

Glad to connect with my therapist tomorrow. Hands are shaking more then not these days.

One of the places my writing is featured had a grand opening in London. Isn't that fabulous? My words are someplace awesome.

The dogs are always happy when they come back inside. As if they are unsure whether warmth exists anymore.

Does it?

Positive

I am learning, learning.

The house is cursed. I can't prove it or disprove it. I know the former owners children had lots of problems and there were locks on the outside of the doors. What does that mean? I don't know. The butcher table in the basement.

I dunno where that came from. After the fire I had someone come in and bless the house. When she hit her tuning fork it reverberated like something from heaven.

I am ashamed that I will be going to California and my children will not. It shames me to not have the funds to take them. The furnace costs 5,000 and thats about it for us. I need the sun like water right now. I need a break from being no.3 - I don't know how to care for myself. I need to learn to cook meals for 1. I could live happily on fish and vegetables. Mix it up with salad and plenty of cold water.

I love water. I really love the way it feels to drink it.

I drank two beers tonight. I never drink, I am not a drinker. Socially, I can drink but by myself playing Scrabble online?

I find myself in a condundrum with a friend. 6 months out of the Army, medical discharge. Back in with the high school crowd, every night is drinking night. It has begun to effect our friendship. I text to him positive words. Remind him that he can make whatever changes he wants. That we are all masters of our own destiny. He doesn't show up to chat. He disappears. He is probably a alcoholic. He is letting me down but more importantly himself down.

It was soothing to connect with a gentleman. It is too bad that his illness deprives him of good people. I feel sadness for him and for me.

My friend told me to run. And thats what I am doing. More like ambling.

He reminds me of Hank Williams Sr. I listened to Tori Amos 'Crucify' as I waited for him. I am thick or I just assume that people will do what they say they will do. Thats how people are in my life.

I am a born helper. I remember getting my ass beat when I tried to wipe the water off the clock radio I spilled on. I cared for my brother and sister when I was 8 years old.

I see people and I recognize the possibility. I have told myself and others 'No more fixer uppers!' When you are a nurturer and a empath you gotta get your fucking shields up. You need someone who can carry their pack and yours if your knee goes gimp.

We have this one life and then heaven. Then maybe another life. We should celebrate with much gratitude that we get to wake up every morning. That most of our problems are first world problems.

I remind myself of this constantly. I have to, I sit in the tub and I look at my belly and my brain cries at all I haven't done.

I am learning.

Words from a cold girl

1600 square foot is luxurious.
I live first world problems.
My feet hurt, I am getting a revision surgery so I can vomit.
My son is in Hell, MI. Its freezing there, so beware.
The headaches are still there.
Detox tea, peppermint tea, lemon.
Working out in spite of the upheaval.
My life can be picked up in two suitcases and a laptop bag.
Oh and a purse.
Signed Cats Cradle, photo albums, clothes, buddha and gargoyle statues.
I will leave my gardens for another gardener.
Start anew, because we gotta do what seems impossible.
But first, a trip to Beverly, Hills that is.
I am looking for my bathing suit and cursing my belly.
I am not sure which fruit I resemble but the bulk is stomach based.
Spanx and dresses will go with me, 900 spf, sunhat.


My family is non nuclear, I get paid to stay at home with my kids.
A little deal we made when we were so young. I make good money to be honest.
I have no complains except that I require more money. First world problems.
I forgave B. for his anger. I am learning to forgive. That said, my therapist
documented it for me.

We are all a little lost and some of us are alot broken.
I find the need to curl up with another feral animal and we can
lick our wounds. Share warmth and stories. Whispers. Darkness whispers.
I refuse to accept the mediocore. I am glad to have the surgery and lose
this weight. I see myself in mirrors and who I am - well they are two different things.
Such a tiny thing I was, now my hips are the hips of someone who has born children.
Its mostly genetics. The grandmother I am named after looked like a linebacker. She died on a train on her way home from Arizona.

So these are just some thoughts that gallop and trot around my head.

Body issues and how to raise a confident child. My child is fragile and I was always a fighter and loner.
She isn't cuddly like our son. How dare I compare the two. So different.

Universe, I see all these wonderful blessings in my life and I am grateful. My bedroom is warm even if the rest of the house is ice cold.

Soon my friend and I will be soaking up the rays of California. We must live each day with gratitude and love.

Note to self: Cortisone shots for knee and shoulder, schedule surgery for early March so I can spend my birthday healing up.
Note to self: Leave house to write. Too many distractions here.

Be good to myself. I know I can do more, I know there are places I fit. A life of service is what I ask for myself. Life to live, love to give.

Love.

Red

Foreign room

Few miles from home

And you cursed at this precious

Curly haired girl

And I thought kill

Saw red.

Instead I said out.

You apologized to her.

I closed my eyes to you.

Out of the pack, you are thrown.

No longer under the umbrella

Of my understanding and love.

There is something primal in this rage.

So great and without relent.

It grows over 9 months plus.

Cut open and thrust to the world.

She is mine and I am hers.

Always.

Good Visuals

I collect images and sayings.

Teenage Ass Monkey

I try not to yell at him, he is selfish, self serving and a slacker. He wants a menial job so he can sit around and play the guitar and watch The Office re-runs.

This is not the child I bore. This is not the young man with purpose.

He has a friend over and they are screaming and jumping around, riling up the dogs who had surgery yesterday.

He cannot even clean out the cat box.

If I ask him about his homework he says he has 2 hours in school to do it. Or, if he wants to get out of something, he says he has lots of homework. Which really means talking on the phone to girls and playing on facebook or xbox or wii or whatever else he has, ps3.

There are many good things about my son. Currently however, I cannot stand to look at his face. He leaves all the hardwork up to us and slacks through life.

He has no sense of purpose. He cares for no one. He will sit there and watch us work.

If my dog tears out her stitches it will not be a good thing. Our vet is 20 minutes away and I will have to hold her and her guts and drive 100 mph.

Driving fast is no problem, the problem is that this is easily avoided.

I was in charge of my brother and sister, I had chores to do, I had a purpose, to get the hell out of my house.

He wouldn't even go with me to get the dogs, one of the dogs he claims is his. The dog is in its crate right now because she keeps hurting herself by jumping around.

The depression is back, my own personal canker sore. I sat in front of the windows in the livingroom and soaked up the sun. I took vitamins, iron included, I ate smoked trout, I need to workout tonight.

I hate my stomach, but probably not more then my arse. I don't know what happened to my body, my life.

I gotta stay steady, there is so much shit to do.

B. accidentally dyed all my clothes grey, even my favorite sundress that makes me look especially cute. He left the door open all day, so when we got back from the airport it was open. The screen door was shut. WTF.

A new shirt, you read the tags 'hand wash only' 'dip dye'. You separate that out.

He has nothing but 'Im sorry.'

I have nothing but, 'send me back to Texas or California, or to sleep, I can't cope here, the cold is everywhere, there is no pause from the relentless cold.'

More school starts Feb. 15th, I have a vacation of sorts to plan. Work, home, self.

I am grateful that my dogs got through surgery.
I am grateful that my daughter got through her day at school, even though her father dressed her in a sleeveless dress.
I am grateful that I am alive though I feel half dead.
I am grateful that I can take a bath with a lovely scented LUSH bath bomb.
I am grateful because I lived another day.
I am grateful that the youngsters we send packages to are living it up around the world. Making pyramids with their cheap beer cans. Being youngsters.
I am grateful that the loneliness was kept at bay for a few days.
I am grateful that Spring will be here and I will be outside in my sun hat and purple crocs gardening.
I am grateful that I don't have to live in Michigan forever.
I am grateful for friendships new and old.
I am grateful to God for all the good that is going to Haiti.

Environmental Factors

Once I hit Texas my depression became less and less. As the days wore on and the sunshine permeated the pain and my longtime friendship nourished, nurtured and fed my belly lovely protein, I became myself again.

I asked B. to get a gas/co detector. It stays at 33/50 in my room. I believe that I have been getting poisoned, the stuff in 'natural' gas isn't so natural. Methane being one of its components. We have a gas leak and are on a list to get it fixed. The neighbors have a gas leak. Its a leaky neighborhood.

I need to embark on a detox and be sure to leave the house daily, I lost weight in the past month, which serves me.

Goals: Detox and get a trainer.

I have been a suffering flower the past month, in my journal, I rate the depression. Going back over my writing I am floored by how high it gets and how low I have felt.

Right now I am overwhelmed and scurrying about and exhausted, so almost even keel for me.

Need to fire psychiatrist and acquire new one.

Reading 'The Outlander'. J. gave it to me when I got there, after I got sucked in, it came to be known that she gave it to me to help me through this phase. Its such a touching thing, I am getting teary just thinking about it. She is not prone to sentimentality and her amazing gift of this book says so many things. She knows me, she knows how to reach me, she loves me and etc etc etc.

Going to find out if I got approved yet for surgery. Have/had food poisoning, drank the water in Texas and it is so weird to not be able to purge. Vomiting has its place. Just like depression, it tells you something isn't right.

Am I the canary in the coal mine? Does listening to Ziggy Stardust on repeat for a long time make me odder?

This and other questions answered and vice versa on the next episode of Rose and the SAD and the joyful.

To make it stop

The pain, the constant beating of pain on my psyche. Beyond physical pain of past surgeries, this makes me hold my breath as the waves of aching for release wash over me. I ask God to help me. I take off my shirt. I am not afraid to die, I am afraid of leaving my children without a Mother. A thing I wouldn't of thought of before, something repulsive and simply wrong. My ethos, my being would say NO. You have children and that is your choice. 1) Children 2) Yourself 3) Everything else. Thats how it has been for me for years and why this change.

Around Thanksgiving the slide began, its like falling down a muddy hill with rocks, big and small. You keep falling and there is nothing to hold onto. Your body is muddy, your thoughts are mud caked. Walking begins to be a task. Sleeping is in short spurts. At times all my joints hurt. I have a hard time going outside unless it is to sit and slowly freeze in my chair. This camp chair where I watch my kids jump on the trampoline, watch the dogs run around. I watch the trees grow their leaves and the lilacs bloom.

Lilacs are my favorite flowers. I like roses too. I have a garden of roses. They are asleep now, like the lilacs and the trees and lots of usually living things.

I want to go to that deep sleep too.

Tomorrow I am supposed to fly to San Antonio. I am terrified of leaving the house. I did so today and it was a major accomplishment. I ask God to help me. I will be alone in a strange city with my old friend whom I haven't seen in years. She goes to bed early and it will just be me and my thoughts. I keep praying that I can do this but I see no light, I see only darkness. I see me sitting in my camp chair, freezing my body, hoping for Spring and butterflies and tulips and lilacs.