To make it stop

The pain, the constant beating of pain on my psyche. Beyond physical pain of past surgeries, this makes me hold my breath as the waves of aching for release wash over me. I ask God to help me. I take off my shirt. I am not afraid to die, I am afraid of leaving my children without a Mother. A thing I wouldn't of thought of before, something repulsive and simply wrong. My ethos, my being would say NO. You have children and that is your choice. 1) Children 2) Yourself 3) Everything else. Thats how it has been for me for years and why this change.

Around Thanksgiving the slide began, its like falling down a muddy hill with rocks, big and small. You keep falling and there is nothing to hold onto. Your body is muddy, your thoughts are mud caked. Walking begins to be a task. Sleeping is in short spurts. At times all my joints hurt. I have a hard time going outside unless it is to sit and slowly freeze in my chair. This camp chair where I watch my kids jump on the trampoline, watch the dogs run around. I watch the trees grow their leaves and the lilacs bloom.

Lilacs are my favorite flowers. I like roses too. I have a garden of roses. They are asleep now, like the lilacs and the trees and lots of usually living things.

I want to go to that deep sleep too.

Tomorrow I am supposed to fly to San Antonio. I am terrified of leaving the house. I did so today and it was a major accomplishment. I ask God to help me. I will be alone in a strange city with my old friend whom I haven't seen in years. She goes to bed early and it will just be me and my thoughts. I keep praying that I can do this but I see no light, I see only darkness. I see me sitting in my camp chair, freezing my body, hoping for Spring and butterflies and tulips and lilacs.