I am learning, learning.

The house is cursed. I can't prove it or disprove it. I know the former owners children had lots of problems and there were locks on the outside of the doors. What does that mean? I don't know. The butcher table in the basement.

I dunno where that came from. After the fire I had someone come in and bless the house. When she hit her tuning fork it reverberated like something from heaven.

I am ashamed that I will be going to California and my children will not. It shames me to not have the funds to take them. The furnace costs 5,000 and thats about it for us. I need the sun like water right now. I need a break from being no.3 - I don't know how to care for myself. I need to learn to cook meals for 1. I could live happily on fish and vegetables. Mix it up with salad and plenty of cold water.

I love water. I really love the way it feels to drink it.

I drank two beers tonight. I never drink, I am not a drinker. Socially, I can drink but by myself playing Scrabble online?

I find myself in a condundrum with a friend. 6 months out of the Army, medical discharge. Back in with the high school crowd, every night is drinking night. It has begun to effect our friendship. I text to him positive words. Remind him that he can make whatever changes he wants. That we are all masters of our own destiny. He doesn't show up to chat. He disappears. He is probably a alcoholic. He is letting me down but more importantly himself down.

It was soothing to connect with a gentleman. It is too bad that his illness deprives him of good people. I feel sadness for him and for me.

My friend told me to run. And thats what I am doing. More like ambling.

He reminds me of Hank Williams Sr. I listened to Tori Amos 'Crucify' as I waited for him. I am thick or I just assume that people will do what they say they will do. Thats how people are in my life.

I am a born helper. I remember getting my ass beat when I tried to wipe the water off the clock radio I spilled on. I cared for my brother and sister when I was 8 years old.

I see people and I recognize the possibility. I have told myself and others 'No more fixer uppers!' When you are a nurturer and a empath you gotta get your fucking shields up. You need someone who can carry their pack and yours if your knee goes gimp.

We have this one life and then heaven. Then maybe another life. We should celebrate with much gratitude that we get to wake up every morning. That most of our problems are first world problems.

I remind myself of this constantly. I have to, I sit in the tub and I look at my belly and my brain cries at all I haven't done.

I am learning.